Parking Violations
by crytears
Summary: The Doctor and Ace have a run in with the Judoon.


Author's Notes:

**Disclaimer:** All recognizable characters belong to the BBC.  
This fic is not meant to be taken seriously. At all. Thanks to the lovely fearlessfirefly for the beta.

He knew he shouldn't do it, but the Doctor was never one to follow standard intergalactic decorum, so did _it _anyway. Thus, it didn't really come as a surprise when the three Judoon entered the diner, their big eyes set upon him and his oblivious companion. Shame really, he was rather looking forward to that cheese burger.

The Doctor flagged down their waiter, a Belljurion hunchback with a rather aggressive manner. This was expected, really, since all Belljurion's were rather aggressive. A positively miserable species, the Doctor thought. The Belljurion's were famous for their chain of diners all throughout the galaxy and why in the universe they ever got into customer service was beyond the Doctor's vast comprehension.

"Can we have those cheese burgers to go, please?" The Doctor asked, eyes still on the Judoon. The Belljurion merely grunted in reply and stalked off.

"Charming fellow, don't you think?" The Doctor asked his companion rhetorically.

She shrugged in reply. The Doctor was too busy trying to make himself look invisible to notice.

Slouching down as far as he possibly could, the Doctor watched as the Judoon troop made their way from the diner's double-door entrance towards their (the Doctor only just realised) rather well lit corner. For three daft seconds, the Doctor contemplated putting his umbrella up and hiding beneath it, but then promptly decided against it – it wasn't exactly raining after all, and well . . . the Judoon may have evolved from rhinos, but they weren't _that_ stupid.

"Doctor, what the hell are you doing?" Ace asked, smiling weakly at their waiter who was positively glaring at them, their cheese burgers promptly forgotten in his hands.

"Hmm . . . what?" The Doctor started. "Oh, nothing, nothing." Sitting up straighter in his chair, the Doctor blasted Ace with his most charming smile, creeping Ace out to no end.

The Judoon continued to advance, hands on nasty looking disruptor weapons.

The Doctor stood abruptly, grabbing their food from the still glaring Belljurion and dropped whatever passed for legal tender in this corner of the Universe on the table, hoping it was enough to cover their bill. No need to stoke the flames, so to speak. The Judoon were relentless for following Galactic law to a T.

"Time to be going, I think." The Doctor said, pulling on Ace's arm and heading for the general direction of the loos, all the while ignoring her sputtered protests and questions.

The Doctor took them past the men's room, paused for a moment outside the ladies, and opted instead for the variations thereupon.

Shoving the cheese burgers in Ace's arms, the Doctor rummaged in his pockets for his sonic screwdriver, locking the door with a quick sonic burst.

"Doctor, what are we doing in here? And what the hell were those rhino things?" Ace asked.

Surveying the restroom, the Doctor appeared oblivious of Ace's presence.

"There isn't a window. Why isn't there a window?" The Doctor asked no-one in particular.

"How should I know?" Ace retorted incredulously. "Doctor, seriously, what is going on?" Ace stared at the alien who she had fondly come to think of as an uncle. The sort of uncle who was a bit mad, and who everyone accidentally-on-purpose forgot to invite to parties.

"Oh, nothing too serious. I may have slightly parked the Tardis in a no-parking zone." The Doctor said, running his hands along the walls apparently looking for an escape route and failing spectacularly.

"How do you slightly park the Tardis?" Ace wondered, tossing their cheese burgers in a near by bin, having suddenly just lost her appetite. She knew that look. The Doctor's evasive_ I'm-not-going-to-tell-you-until-it's-absolutely-necessary_ look. She hated that look. Ace felt a sudden urge to make sure she was well stocked up on nitro-9.

"Hmm?" Abandoning his search of the walls, the Doctor took for the nearest stall. Sitting on the toilet, he leaned forward using his umbrella for support, his chin resting on the handle as he stared at the wall.

"Oh, look! Someone's wrote a poem," the Doctor exclaimed, perking up slightly. "'There once was a young lady from Venus, whose body was shaped like a –'"

A loud bang on the door interrupted the Doctor's recital.

"The Judoon!" The Doctor exclaimed as though he had totally forgotten about them. He jumped suddenly to his feet and dashed to Ace's side.

"The what?" Ace asked.

"Those rhino things," the Doctor replied. "They're probably here about that parking violation . . . " He trailed off, desperation beginning to set into his features. The Judoon continued to bang on the door from the other side.

"They're a kind of intergalactic police force," the Doctor continued to explain. "Well, more like intergalactic thugs," he muttered.

"So, they're here to give you a parking ticket then?" Ace asked, looking slightly worried. The Doctor was being the exact opposite of vague. Not a good sign. Ace slipped her hand into her jacket pocket, wrapping her hand around the nitro-9 she was 'not' carrying.

"Actually, I think they might want to arrest me. Something about an overdue fine . . ." He said surreptitiously.

"Doctor!" Ace shot the Doctor a look, clearly not impressed. She could tell he was lying.

"Several overdue fines, then." The Doctor snapped. "It's hardly my fault!"

"Oh, _Professor_ . . ."

The Judoon had ceased their relentless banging on the door. Ace and the Doctor both turned as one to face the door and could here the Judoon arguing amongst themselves from the other side of the door.

"Now, now, gentlemen. No need to quarrel," the Doctor shouted through the door. He tightened his grasp on his umbrella --- a trait of his that Ace observed was most evident when he was waffling his way out of a dire situation.

Just then, the Judoon's gruff voice barked through the door. "Charge: parking violation and failure to pay fines. Plea: guilty. Sentence: execution."

The Doctor looked wildly about him, the image of the Judoon's large disruptor weapon thrusting its way to the forefront of his mind and his eyes finally settled on Ace.

"I really think this room could do with a window, don't you?" He asked, looking pointedly at Ace's bulging pockets.

Ace grinned.

*

On the other side of the door, the Belljurion waiter did not look too happy about being told what to do by the three Judoon. And it was with a certain degree of malicious pleasure that the Belljurion took as much time as possible to unlock the door.

Apparently losing his patience fast, the lead Judoon pulled his weapon from its holster, pushed the waiter out of the way and aimed for the door.

But before he could pull the trigger there was a loud explosion.

The Judoon made a strangled sound in his throat (the kind of sound that, if he were human, would probably sound like a high pitched frustrated scream) and promptly kicked the door down.

Still lying on floor where he had landed, the Belljurion waiter narrowly avoided being trampled on by the other two Judoon as they followed their superior.

The Belljurion grumbled irritably as he scrambled to his feet and surveyed the damage. The mess was unbelievable; it was going to take him hours to clean up. They really didn't pay him enough for this.

*

The Doctor and Ace ran as fast as they could in the general direction of the Tardis.

Running for their lives was an everyday occurrence. Running for their lives because of a few overdue parking tickets was a bit extreme. But it was the Doctor . . . and, well, Ace had learned to take things in stride over the years with him --- very little surprised her any more.

They reached the Tardis breathing heavily, pausing for a moment to catch their breath.

"Doctor, how could you miss _that_?" Ace cried suddenly, pointing at a big sign sitting right next to the Tardis. In rather large, bold red letters were the words: ABSOLUTELY NO PARKING UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. VIOLATORS WILL BE PUNISHED.

The Doctor glanced at the warning, looked at Ace, then back at the sign again. He didn't even have the decency to _pretend_ to look remorseful.

Instead, he stared at Ace giving her a very significant look, and said: "Well, _you_ didn't notice it either." The Doctor looked rather pleased with himself, twirling his umbrella in his hands.

"But, I wasn't driving!"

A disruptor blast chose that moment to stream past them, narrowly missing the Doctor's left ear. It hit the 'no parking' sign, unceremoniously obliterating it into a heap on the ground.

"Time to be going!" The Doctor exclaimed, chasing after Ace who was already half way into the Tardis.

The Doctor rushed to the console and pressed, prodded and flicked the necessary switches to start the de-materialisation process.

Once they were safely in the vortex, the Doctor and Ace allowed themselves to relax. Ace's stomach rumbled loudly --- they never did get those cheese burgers.

Seemingly thinking the same thing the Doctor piped up, "there's a restaurant at the end of the universe . . . they do a rather nice crème brûlée . . ."

"Well, as long as you're not on their top ten most wanted list," Ace said, grinning.

"Oh, no. Definitely not," the Doctor said, setting the coordinates. He stilled for moment, looking at Ace very seriously. "Although, remind never to materialize the Tardis on Lervalla III."

To Ace's utter astonishment, the Doctor shuddered slightly as he spoke. Her jaw fell open and she stared at him incredulously.

The Doctor laughed. "I'm joking, Ace."

"_Professor . . ._"


End file.
